Storm preparation
Have you ever known a storm was coming and knowing that losing power was likely, thought about gathering the flashlights, candles and matches but put it off and then found yourself stumbling around in the dark?
That is kind of how I deal with depression.
The gray slowly starts to form on the horizon. I see it out there in the distance and think about doing a little check-in, make sure I’m taking precautions but instead avert my eyes and busy my mind. The next time I look up, the horizon is dark and the gray is tainting everything within eyesight. It’s easy to explain it away with situational stress, a rough night’s sleep or physical pain wearing me down, which happens on occasion but I know that I’m avoiding reality and I know that isn’t going to work out in my favor.
Why can’t I heed the signs?
They are like swinging light bulbs in a basement… creepy, yet beneficial.
*When I’m standing in the shower wondering if it’s really necessary to brush my teeth when I get out, I know that I need to keep a flashlight close just in case the darkness closes in on me faster than expected.
*When I’m asked why I’m not eating, it’s time to turn the flashlight on, shine some light and walk in a different direction to avoid the darkness and isolation that coats me like molasses. It doesn’t matter if I’m in a crowded room of strangers or next to my partner that loves me no matter what, I feel alone.
*When the OCD that I have to keep in check daily is bringing me to tears with the slightest touch of “icky” and sets me running off to the sink, then I know that I’m not just knee deep in chaos from our recent move and I need to get flashlights in both hands (even if I need rubber gloves to hold them).
Those are three major indicators that I need to alert those around me. I’m either skirting around the edges of darkness or already smack dab in the middle of it and need to reach out.
Words are powerful and sometimes the unspoken ones harm the most.
I fear depression like nothing else- talking about it can save me from isolation but it’s also the thing that’s hardest to do. When the signs are there, if I can simply say that I’m scared depression is chasing me down, many times that’s enough keep it at bay.
When I’ve crossed the fine line of fear to numbness, it’s harder to reach out for help. I may not realize how close I am to the edge or in all honesty, I may not have enough in me to care.
Most of the time my pride keeps me stuck. I want to be ‘strong’ and spare my loved ones from worry. I tell myself, “I’ve beat it before, I’ll do it again. No sense getting anyone else involved.” It’s a common phrase that runs through my head and usually shortly after I kick myself into gear and ask for help because I may be able to beat it on my own but I have a wonderful family and together, I move out of the darkness faster.
Last week I read a post by @HonestMom
http://honestmom.com/2013/05/29/the-obsessive-part-of-depression-really-annoys-me/
It really hit home because I knew in my heart of hearts that I was sinking but I didn’t want to say anything. I rationalized my silence with the thought that speaking about depression would give it more power to consume me. The reality is; voicing my fears about it loosens its hold and allows honesty with myself and my feelings (or lack thereof).
That post was like a random flashlight, sitting in just the right location that when the storm got closer and the gray clouds darkened, I had protection from wandering aimlessly in the dark. Because of that one flashlight being in just the right spot at just the right time, I spoke up and am armed with an arsenal of flashlights and spare batteries.
I can feel the storm clouds breaking up already.
superlittletales 
Excellent metaphor. Thank you for sharing these thoughts. I think very often my husband doesn’t see it coming when he starts to sink, and I feel I have to be his mirror, to show him how his behavior and mood is changing and then encourage him to do something about it. It’s not a very effective system, however, and I wish he had an arsenal of flashlights.
Sometimes our minds trick us into thinking everything is ok, or that it will be soon. It’s hard on our loved ones and guilt sure does make the burden heavier when we miss the signs.
I’m glad your husband has someone that is willing to be his mirror and hopefully, in time, he will understand his triggers better and be able to reach out before your reflection is needed *hugs
This is beautiful. What a wonderful analogy to explain how depression comes on and how easy it is to avoid dealing with it. It’s not always as simple as it seems, and it’s hard for others to understand. Thank you for putting it into terms that make sense. xoxo
It can be hard to explain the depths of emotions or the complete numbness that can accompany depression to someone that is fighting the battle, let alone try to convey those feelings to someone that doesn’t have this burden to carry. I’m glad that this is one of the times that people on both sides can begin to grasp what it’s like in the dark.
Thank you for your support and for being here
What a fabulous analogy. This post is both moving and eye opening. I’m so glad you found this flashlight at just the right time. Just know that you are never alone in the storm. You have a huge closet of flashlights just waiting for you to come get us. 🙂
I have truly been lucky in my life to have well-placed flashlights and my support system is expanding so the road stays lit most of the time.
Thanks for being a new source of light 🙂
Beautiful and relatable post!!
Thank you so much 🙂
Bravo. You are shining a light for others through your brave post. You are not alone.
Thank you for your support. I truly appreciate it!
Wonderful and brave. I think this post can speak to a lot of us, and not just those who deal with depression, but stress in general.
Thank you. Very true about stress, etc. It doesn’t really matter what we may be plagued with, sometimes we just need to shed a little light on a situation so we can see that we’re not alone.
This is a very brave and relatable post. I struggle with depression too. When I feel it coming on I’m often able to convince myself that it’s not *really* depression, things aren’t *really* that bad. Kind of like when I was dating and I knew a break up was imminent but I went out of my way to convince myself it wasn’t because I didn’t want that to be true. I’m glad you reached for a flash light. ((( hugs )))
It’s so easy to ignore the warning signs that depression is lurking nearby! Kudos to you for sharing this and choosing to pick up that flashlight.
Thank you very much!
I asked, “How do you know when you’re depressed” the other day. Your post is exactly what I needed to read at this moment. Thanks for helping us to see and understand this culprit!
You’re welcome. It warms me to know that others can relate and are hearing what they need to hear. Thank you for reading 🙂
My flashlight is a gluten-free diet which, for me, keeps depression at bay. I wish you well and I hope your flashlight always remains in a place where you can quickly benefit from its uplifting light.
Thank you. Our kids are gluten, casein & soy free. I’m mostly gluten free which I will agree, seems to make a difference in general. Thanks for the well wishes & stopping by 🙂
This is such a wonderful post. And I’m so touched that something I wrote helped you, even in a small way. I love your flashlight metaphor. It’s perfect. Thinking of you and glad you are armed and ready – there’s a reason it’s called “battling depression.” But I like the idea that our weapons are flashlights. 🙂
Thank you for reading & for being a great source of information & strength for me & so many others 🙂
I too, was afraid of my depression post. That it would give my depression momentum. But it didn’t, it helped, which is totally counter-intuitive. Thank you for sharing!
http://margosmiddlefinger.com/2014/03/24/f-you-depression/
That is the thing about depression, cunning, sneaky and yet warm. Giving the impression that it’s ‘normal’ to feel alone and powerless.
Loved your blog. Thanks for visiting mine